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Osama bin Laden
::"Let's see here... Soda, some purple stuff... Oh sweet, Sunny D!" :::—Osama bin Laden Osama bin Laden is the world's third biggest asshole (after Saddam Husseinand Gordan Brown, Osama's brother, who has been defeated, making Osama bin Lad-dee-fuck-ing-da-den number 1). He helped Saddam mastermind a plan that destroyed a national landmark, a lynchpin of the American economy, and killed 50,000,000 innocent Americans in the process. He has also issued many public statements blaspheming against Jesus, because he thinks Allah has more balls. He also doesn't like apple pie, unless it has a bomb hidden inside it. Osama (or, to his friends, Ossie) and Saddam were the main men behind 9/11, which altered the American political field forever. From the wreckage of the World Trade Center crawled the liberal race, drooling and panting, snot running down their noses. After attacking and eating a nearby gun-owning, law-abiding citizen, they proceeded to run for office and lost, but their pestilence disturbs America to this day. For his crimes against America and the world, Osama has been sentenced to death. F-16 jet fighters, American soldiers, submarines, and crack teams of Jedi piloted stealth bombers are out searching for him right now. Unless we can't find him, in which case he is irrelevant and presumed dead. His Capture Four scant days after America was attacked, a small group of Special forces surrounded the suspected cave of the world's most wanted terrorist. They waited until the cool, Tora Bora nightfall descended before they moved in to capture the slight, bearded man. "Raghead One is down! Raghead One is down!" Those words crackled over the elaborate communications system deep below the White House in the new, state-of-the-art communications room. Prior to the Reagan Administration, the Federal Government had not even considered terrorism. Reagan spearheaded the construction of what he called "The Situation Room". George H. W. Bush was able to use his experience as CIA director to improve and elaborate on Reagan's brilliant idea. But subsequent administrations allowed the equipment and it's mission to degrade. Clinton used the room for secret, late-night pornographic sessions. It wasn't until The Greatest President re-opened the room and passed the 28th Commandment to The United States Constitution which protected the room, it's contents and the procedures that make it effective in what George called a "lock box". George even personally dusted and vaccuumed the room--he was that dedicated to National Security. And all that Hard Work payed off that night in a cave in the mountains of Torra Borra. George leapt to answer the radio, "Jesus 2, here. Repeat last transmission." The Situation Room grew silent. Everyone held their breath waiting for the response. It was agonizing. And then...it came, "Jesus 2, this is Dispensable 7, I repeat Jesus 2: Raghead One is down!" "God Bless You, Dispensable 7, God Bless You, Jesus 2 out." The room burst into respectful applause; they all knew how much this mission personally hurt George, and they were happy for him; now he could get some rest. Sexual Testimony It has been suggested that Osama bin Laden is a "closet homosexual" (a man who only has gay sex in small rooms, draped in hanging coats). This, however, remains as yet unproven. If you have had a unique experience with Osama bin Laden, please feel free to write in below: True Identity While Osama was hiding in Manitoba, RCMP special constables discovered that he is actually Irish. From DNA testing, it appears that he may be the long-forgotten love child of Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher. His registered birth name is Sammy O'Leary, and he now wears a turban and false beard to hide his ethnic origins. Due to the fact that he is actually Sammy O'Leary, the RCMP felt duty bound to let him go and continue their search for "Osama bin Laden." The RCMP now realize that OBL is an alias, and should they ever again catch him in Manitoba they will hold him for immediate forwarding to the US. Sammy O'Leary was formerly a lounge singer and stand-up comedian in London. He now complains that the Osama character has taken over his life, much in the same manner as Ziggy Stardust, Alice Cooper, and PeeWee Herman. It's gotten completely out of hand, especially with the level of public response the OBL character receives. His most recent tape release, proven authentic, states that he just wants to go back to the clubs, and he wishes we'd all just forget about the Osama bin Laden nonsense. Too-ra loo-ra loo-ra! Competing theories state that Osama's true identity is, in fact, one of the following: a French Canadian beaver-trapper from Northern Manitoba; Al Franken; the evil non-identical clone of Stephen Colbert that was infected by Baby Satan at birth; definitely not a real American, God Bless America; the world's largest puff pastry; the unnamed member of the Kealy 6; and Spam (spammity spam). Osama bin Laden Trivia * According to the most recent intelligence reports, Osama bin Laden is working on a gay pornographic movie with Michael Moore, Kim Jong Il and Saddam Hussein. All four will be featured writhing and doing unspeakable acts unto one another while shouting, "Death to America!" in five hundred languages that do not include American. * Osama bin Laden wears a turban to hide the missile launcher built into the top of his head. * Osama bin Laden was born evil. Don't listen to anyone who says otherwise. They're just a liberal hippie doing that moral relativism thing again, like, "He's not really evil at heart! Maybe we should grant him asylum and give him free healthcare for life, like we do with all the illegal aliens!" * It has recently come out that Osama bin Laden has a secret desire for country-rock singer Whitney Houston. This is absolutely true and should not be questioned. It's also so wrong. So wrong. Especially because he's actually gay. * Osama bin Laden's current hideout is, most likely, located in Jihadistan or Durka-durkhistan. Perhaps Tel-Aviv. * Osama bin Laden recently signed a deal with Paramount Pictures to replace the last "crazy" they had. * Osama bin Laden now has his own cereal, "Afghani-os". They are very similar to Cheerios, except instead of honey, they are sprinkled with E. Coli. * The only contact that the great George W Bush and Osama Bin Laden had before 9/11 was a secret mission Dubya undertook to Afghanistan in the 80s. Oh sure, the liberals at the time said that Osama was our friend and would fight those commies, but Dubya saw the truth. He managed to give Osama drastic kidney failure before Saddam Hussein attacked Dubya from behind like a coward with a machine gun. Channeling the spirit of Stephen Colbert, Dubya survived and escaped, only to fight another day. * He has an inverted inch and a half penis. * He is now rumoured to be hiding out in Manitoba, along with Satan, Elvis, The Chicago Cubs' luck and France's sense of morality. * Osama Bin Laden spends most of if not all his Tuesdays test out new fake beards which he can change his apperance with, although he decided not to go with any colour which is birght as its easy to spot a blue beard under a rock in the Middle East... * One time, when somebody said the word Jesus to him, he said, "Jesus? Fuck that little bitch-ass retard!" meaning that he is ridiculously evil, and his soul has already been sent to the lowest level of hell. *In fact he is so evil that baby satan had to invent a new place of hell for him its rumored to be -9 to the 999999999999999999th power negative altitude under the ground. Baby Satan's a wait'n... * He at one time had a three-way with a Canadian and a Burtle. Videos Released Video is to Obama--oops, sorry Osama--as painting was to Hitler: a failed dream. Ever since being booted out of Al Jazeera's video academy, Mr. bin Laden directing has always been in the back of his mind. After taking over Al Qaeda, he used it as a chance to show the world what he could do. One of his number twos told U.S. interrogators that bin Laden would always send a resume along with the videos in the hopes that once all the infadels are gone, he could get a job as a freelance videographer. His Employees Everyone knows that one day bin Laden will be captured again closer to the 2008 election. But, until then, America is satisfied that all his employees are being put behind the proverbial water curtain. Please click here to see all his criminal employees. External Tubes *Osama Fails to kill Bill Clinton. America to experience another 4 years of hell *Osama to help GOP to win 2010 elections *Bin Laden could be a Zombie by now!